


Glimpses

by Doombuggybabe



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, Mutual Pining, Reader-Insert, Romantic Fluff, Slow Burn, sex mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-12 00:46:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 14,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19937245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doombuggybabe/pseuds/Doombuggybabe
Summary: You sometimes thought about that day at the park. That day you got into that fight with Robbie Banks. If you hadn't interfered you might have never met Spencer and if you never met Spencer, you wouldn't feel so stupidly and hopelessly in love with him.A look into moments in your life with Spencer Reid.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> I burned so long so quiet you must have wondered  
> if I loved you back. I did, I did, I do.

When you met Dr. Spencer Reid, it was long before he was a doctor and long before he even knew what a Ph.D. was. You met Spencer Reid when you were both 6 years old. 

It was a hot day in Las Vegas, your hair in messy pigtails and dirty sneakers on your feet. You had been on the swing set when you noticed him for the third time. It seemed that you both went to the park on Sundays. But the boy with glasses never played on the playground. He was always with other grown-ups playing some sort of board game.

Today though you noticed the boy was playing by himself until another bigger boy approached him. You started to stop yourself on the swing, your sneakers kicking up sand as you slowed down to stop. That's when the bigger boy shoved the other one off the bench.  
You got off the swing and walked towards the scene.  
"Freak!" You heard from the bigger boy. The smaller boy was on the ground, looking terrified.  
"Leave him alone!" You shouted. The boy turned and it became clear that he was near twice your size.  
The boy looked back at you and then to his attacker, his shock clear on his face.  
“What did you say you little puke?” The bully now turned his attention on you.  
Voice strong you replied, “Leave him alone.”  
That’s when the bully swung to hit you. The hit hurt but nothing terrible. You grab the bully’s arm and remember what your older brother taught you to do if you get picked on. Bite. Hard. 

So that’s exactly what you do. Your teeth sink in and he immediately starts crying before you let go. The bully shoves you hard and you hit the ground, skinning your elbow. He runs away whining. The smaller boy with glasses approaches you, he slides his glasses back up his nose. He extends his hand to you, you take it and he helps you up. 

“You’re bleeding” He points out. You check out your elbow and confirm you are in fact bleeding.  
“Hold on a second” The boy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bandaid. Carefully he applies the bandaid to your skinned elbow. You wince in pain. “Sorry,” the boy tells you.  
“Thank you for the bandaid”  
“Thank you for biting Robbie Banks. He’s a jerk”  
“Is he always mean to you?” You sit down at the cement table. Little toy pieces sit on top of little squares. The boy sits across from you.  
“It’s worse at school, I’m a lot younger than everyone else in my grade.” He arranges the toy pieces on the table, organizing them on each of the squares.  
“What is this game?” You ask.  
“Chess. Want me to teach you how to play?”  
“Sure. What’s your name anyway?”  
“Spencer and yours?”  
“Y/N.”  
“That’s pretty. So first thing to know is that white moves first and then we take turns…”  
After that day you and Spencer were best friends. At least for most of the time.


	2. Two

You’re both 11 years old and Spencer hates high school. He frequently tells you about it.  
You’re in his room, laying on his bed.   
“They sound like a bunch of assholes Spence,” you tell him after he recounts how he was bullied this week. Unfortunately, you’re stuck in the 6th grade and most of the people there are also assholes. 

“I really wish you could be there with me. You know bite someone.” Spencer jokes. He’s on the floor playing with cards, practicing his magic tricks. Sometimes you both put on shows for his mom and you’re his assistant. 

“I can’t be there with you, I’m barely passing pre-algebra.” You point out. You and Spencer typically spend your time after school together, luckily you live near each other so you take turns biking to each other’s homes. Though you mostly go to Spencer’s house, so his mom isn’t alone for too long. 

“Speaking of do you want to start your homework?”   
You slide off his bed and open your purple backpack, pulling out your math textbook and notebook.   
You open to the page and begin to write down the problems.   
Spencer takes you through the problem step by step trying to each formula to solve it. 

After 30 minutes of not getting it, you shut your book closed and groan in frustration.   
“Y/N what are you doing?”  
“I don’t even know how you’re not getting upset with me. You’ve known how to do this stuff forever and you’re teaching a stupid person.”  
“Don’t call my best friend stupid”   
You playfully shove his arm. Spencer opens your textbook back to the page. “Math might not be your thing but you already read more advanced books than most of the kids I went to high school with.”   
You roll your eyes. Spencer was always trying to make you feel better.   
“Okay from the top,” You say, taking the pencil in your hand.


	3. Three

You’re both 13 years old and you miss Spencer terribly. Spencer is away at college, taking a million college-level classes and of course doing remarkably well. A part of you still can’t believe the boy you can’t teach to use chopsticks is excelling at complicated engineering and psychology classes.   
You call him up on Saturday night, twirling the cord of your house phone waiting for him to pick up.   
“Hello?” a gruff voice answers on the other side.   
“Hi, I’m looking for Spencer?”   
“Hold up. Kid, it’s for you!” the gruff voice shouts.   
“Hello?” You hear a familiar voice.   
“Spence, hi. How is everything?” you haven’t been able to talk to him in a couple of weeks. He’s had a bunch of term papers due before he can come back for winter break. 

“It’s a lot but I’m taking so many interesting classes and I’m doing this extra credit term paper about….” Spencer then proceeds to ramble about his abnormal psychology class for 20 minutes. You don’t interrupt him because you miss his voice.   
“How about you? Are you going to the winter dance?” Spencer asks you, his voice cracking.   
“Michelle really wants me to go but I don’t know. She said Peter wants to ask me.” you nervously disclose. You’ve never brought up the topic of boys to Spencer before. For the most part, he’s the only boy in your life except for your older brother.   
“Peter?” Spencer’s voice cracks again.   
“You don’t know him, he started this year. He’s nice, he sits next to me in life science.”   
In the background you hear, “Kid, I need to make a phone call. Hurry it up!”   
“I saw your mom the other day she seemed okay. She says she loves your letters.” You tell him, his mom didn’t recognize you for a moment but Spencer always seems to bring her back.   
“Yeah, she’s really excited for me to come home. I have to go, let me know if you go to the dance okay? Bye”   
“Bye Spence”   
The phone clicks and you spend the night wondering if Peter is going to call.


	4. Four

You’re only 14 when the worst happens. You’re 14 nearly 15 years old when you lose your mom unexpectedly. You leave Spencer a message with his roommate. He’s in class when your brother picks you up from school early. 

Your parents are divorced and your dad lives in another state, it’s going to be hours before a real adult shows up. You stay home with your brother for two days numb from crying. Your dad arrived yesterday with the news that you’re going to have to move once the school year ends. You’re going to leave the house you grew up in, you’re going to leave all those memories of your mom. In the dead of night, you hear a tap on your window. 

You groggily get out of bed and gasp when you see him. Spencer is at your window.   
“Spence” you whisper as you unlock the window. You help him climb in with a large bag slung over his shoulder.   
“Hey” Spencer whispers and pulls you into the hug. In the months since you last saw him, he went through a growth spurt and is now significantly taller than you. His arms and legs are gangly as if he hasn’t quite grown into himself yet. In the arms of your best friend you cry. You’re not sure for how long you do but by the time you slow down Spencer’s shirt is soaked with your tears.   
“How did you get here? Caltech is four hours away.” You ask wiping your face.   
“I uh sort of borrow a car”   
Your eyes grow wide and you look out the window to see an unfamiliar car parked poorly in your driveway.   
“Spencer, you can drive? Did you steal a car? You don’t even have a license!” A million thoughts running through your head at once.   
“Driving isn’t difficult and I didn’t technically steal it. I promised my roommate I’d write a few papers for him if he let me borrow it and say I stole it if I got caught. And the license part is only a technicality I’ve tried to petition the state to let me get it but I’ll try again.”   
“God, Spencer you could’ve gotten into so much trouble.”

“You don’t have to worry about that okay? Here. I got something for you.”   
Spencer opens his backpack and pulls out a slightly crumpled bouquet of pink carnations.   
“Pink carnations stand for remembrance for your mom.” You take the bouquet in your hands.   
“And this is for you” Spencer pulls out a single sunflower with a bent stem. “I know they’re your favorite.” You place the flowers on your dresser and hug Spencer once more.   
“It’s really late, are you going to go home?” You ask him.   
“My mom would flip out if she knew I borrowed a car and drove here. I was just going to sleep in the car for tonight.”   
“No way Spence, you’re staying here.” Spencer nods and closes your window, deciding it’s best not to argue with you. Spencer takes out something clothing from with backpack, a dress shirt, and pants for the funeral which he hangs up in your closet. The only pair of shoes he brought with him is a pair of black converse. Spencer sneaks into your bathroom to change into sweatpants he brought with him. He already finds you tucked in your bed. Spencer slides in next to you careful not to touch you.   
“My dad is going to sell the house. We’re leaving Nevada. I won’t see you when you come home anymore.” You confess.   
Spencer wants to cry with you. College is scary enough but it always felt better knowing you were home and would be there when he came back. He would miss the ease with which he dialed your phone number that he had memorized so long ago, the memories of riding your bike in the driveway. What was Spencer going to do without his best and only real friend? What were you going to do? 

Spencer instead decides to comfort you. “It’s going to be okay. We can always call each other as we do now, we can write letters to each other. When we’re both driving maybe we can visit each other… we’ll work it out.”   
You sniffle overwhelmed with everything changing around you. You’ve lost your mom, your home, and now your best friend.   
“Promise?” you whisper. You turn to look at Spencer. You hold out your pinky and Spencer interlocks his pinky in yours.   
“I promise”  
You sleep for the first time since it happened.   
The next morning your brother finds Spencer in your room but doesn’t say anything. Any other day he probably would’ve blown a gasket but today is not like other days. Spencer doesn’t leave your side the entire day. From the church to the cemetery, Spencer is next to you. You cry into his shoulder as you stare down at a grave you’d never thought you’d see. Spencer stays with you on the drive home and all through the wake at your house. He even deflects people from talking to you too much because the last thing you feel like doing is talking to anyone. Spencer and his rambling come in handy in a time like this.   
When night comes Spencer helps your family clean up the house from the guests and pack away all the leftover food.   
When it’s time for Spencer to drive back to school you hug him in your driveway for a long time.   
“Call me tomorrow if you can.” You ask of him.   
“I will, I’m going to need your new address and phone number. How else am I going to bother you?”   
For the first time in days, you laugh. You squeeze Spencer once more and let him go. You wave at him as he drives away, not letting him see you cry again until you’re safe inside your bedroom. You take a carnation and press it into one of your books. For the first time, you understand what it means to be loved by Spencer Reid.


	5. Five

Four years go by somehow agonizingly slow and all at once. At 18, you’re attending Emerson College. Which happens to be a 15-minute bike ride away from MIT where your lifelong best friend is attending school. You’re spinning around in his desk chair watching Spencer freak out about his first dissertation. While you have just picked out your major, Spencer has already graduated with two degrees in Psychology and Sociology. Now he’s started his Ph.D. in Engineering. You anticipate this will be the first of many.   
You both went a long time without seeing each other but you always kept in touch with letters and phone calls. Your jaw nearly hit the ground when you saw Spencer for the first time after nearly 4 years. You had already been bugging him about his voice getting deeper. It was different when you saw him again and he was over 6 feet tall, had facial hair, and lost all his baby fat. Turning 18 changed Spencer. After his birthday he flew back to Las Vegas to have his mom committed. It was an awful but necessary thing to do. You know Spencer is wracked with guilt and that night was your turn to hold him as he cried. 

Spencer is pacing back and forth in his tiny apartment, mumbling to himself. On top of all that, Spencer just got a new roommate whom you have yet to meet.  
“Spencer this isn’t even your official presentation, you’re just pitching it to your professor. You also have three backups. I’m pretty sure no one else in your program is nearly as prepared as you are. Relax, tell me about the invader.”   
This stops Spencer in his tracks. “Invader? Oh, you mean Jamie. He seems okay, he’s barely ever here. The first year of law school you know?”   
“I’m happy that Miguel and Greg got married but I do miss them” You get off the desk chair, dizzy. Spencer looks back at you, clearly stressed out.   
“Y/N, what if I look stupid?”  
“You won’t”   
“How do you know?”   
“Easy. Because I know you. Just keep your evil twin/ eviler twin theory to yourself and they’ll think you’re brilliant.” You squeeze Spencer’s arm reassuringly.   
“You’re never going to let that go are you?” Spencer asks.   
You reply with a loud, “Nope” You walk out of Spencer’s bedroom and into his living room. It completes the broke college student look with an old couch, a beat-up coffee table, and a TV complete with a VHS player. You love it compared to your cramped dorm room and your passive-aggressive roommate.   
You hear the front door unlock and you turn your attention to the man entering.   
The man pulls off his headphones and shuts the door behind him.   
“Hi,” he says in a surprisingly deep voice. He’s tall like Spencer but he’s muscular where Spencer is thin. His dirty blond hair is styled and his beard is trim and neat.   
Spencer walks in the room. “Hey Jamie, this is my friend Y/N. Y/N this is Jamie.” Jamie confidently approaches you and sticks out his hand for you to shake.   
“Hey” You shake his hand firmly in an attempt to hide how cute you think he is. You hope you aren’t blushing.   
“Spencer you didn’t tell you had a girlfriend.”   
“She’s not my girlfriend” Spencer quickly corrects. You smile at Jamie, “No boyfriend at the moment actually.”  
“Or ever,” Spencer says so low that only you can hear. You reach behind him and pinch him hard. Spencer yelps.   
Jamie gives you both a confused look. He walks into his bedroom, “Do guys have plans to tonight? A few buddies of mine are going to a club. It’s free drinks until midnight. You’re both welcome to come.”   
Spencer and I share a look. Spencer doesn’t do parties or party-like atmospheres. But a club sounds fun and Jamie is very cute.   
Jamie comes out wearing different clothes than what he was wearing when he came in.   
“You guys aren’t 21 yet right? I know the bouncer, he’ll let you in. If you decide to go be there by 10.”   
Jamie pulls out a post-it note and writes down the address sticks it on the refrigerator. Jamie winks at you, “I hope to see you there” and as quickly as he appeared he walks right back out the door.   
“So that’s Jamie? He’s uh charming” You ask Spencer.   
Spencer groans. “You’re going to make me go tonight, aren't you?” You pouted at him.   
“If you hate it we can leave. I’ll come back here and we can watch Star Trek.”   
Spencer glares at you. “Deal.”


	6. Six

You’re still 18 years old when you’re on your 3rd… no 4th tequila shot. All night Jamie has been flirting with you but you’re unsure if you pursue it. He’s older and dangerously charming. Not to mention he’s Spencer’s roommate and that itself is a complication. But right now all you feel like doing is dancing. Spencer however has other ideas.   
“Y/N, why don’t you sit down and drink some water”   
The club is crowded and there are people running into you every few seconds. The alcohol and the dancing have made you incredibly warm. You’ve already tied your flannel shirt around your waist, leaving you in a revealing tank top you normally wouldn’t wear by itself.   
You clumsily throw your arms around Spencer, “But this song is so good! I wanna dance. Don’t you want to dance with me?” You lose your footing and Spencer steadies you by grabbing your waist. You don’t know if it’s the alcohol or the heat but his touch sends a jolt through you. A feeling you haven’t felt in a long time, something that makes your heart race.   
“How about I dance with you after you drink some water?” Spencer suggests. You nod and he leads you the bar where you wait for a bartender to notice you. You lean against the bar, staring at Spencer. Watching him as he tries to get the attention of one of the bartenders. In the dim lights, Spencer’s eyes look much darker than they are, his light golden brown eyes now look dark and serious. His hair is getting long again, his curls getting much more apparent. Your eyes linger on his features, the sharpness of his jaw and the fullness of his lips. Spencer was always cute but somehow he grew to be beautiful without your notice.   
Spencer is finally able to get some water, he notices you staring at him when he hands you the water.   
“What are you looking at?” Spencer asks, looking at you curiously.   
Self-conscious, you reply “Nothing” and drink your water.   
The song changes and distracts you. They’re playing Smooth by Rob Thomas and Santana, a great song to shake your body to.   
Spencer follows you out to the dance floor. Luckily, you’re not a bad dancer or at this point, you’re too drunk to care. You sing along as you dance, watching Spencer shift awkwardly. You get on your tiptoes to whisper in Spencer’s ear, “It’s all in the hips, Spence. Don’t think, just feel the music” Spencer scoffs at you. You grab his hands and place them on your hips, shifting them to the rhythm. Spencer gulps but you’re not paying attention to that. You’re just reacting to how the music and the alcohol. Jamie comes up behind you, “Having fun?” He asks you. Spencer distances himself from you, his hands leaving your body. Spencer leans down to your ear, “I’m gonna go get some air.” Spencer walks away from you before you even answer.   
“I should go after him,” you tell Jamie.   
“He’ll be fine, he’s a big boy. Maybe he’ll find a pretty girl to talk to.” Jamie says in your ear. He’s still swaying against you.   
Obviously, Jamie doesn’t know Spencer that well. Spencer doesn’t trust easily and he can get really awkward around girls. His experience is limited, to say the least. You won’t tell Jamie that though, guys can get all alpha male around Spencer when they realize that he’s not an aggressive person.   
The lightheadedness from the alcohol is compromising your ability to focus. You want to check on Spencer, he looked upset. You promised Star Trek if he wasn’t having fun. You turn to Jamie, “I’m going to go. Thanks for the invite.” Jamie gives you a confused look but his gaze is quickly taken away by a tall blonde girl walking by. That was easy. You weave through the crowd looking for Spencer.   
You stumble outside the club, the cool air sends you shivering. “Spence?” You call out. You look around the street, most people around you are huddled and half are smoking.   
You spot him leaning against the building playing with a coin. “Hey” you breathe. Without the disorientation of the club atmosphere, the reality of your drunken state is hitting you.   
“What are you doing outside?” Spencer asks you.   
“I was looking for you.”   
“You can go back to dancing with Jamie. I’m fine out here.” Spencer is avoiding eye contact.   
“But I don’t want to dance with Jamie.” You find yourself saying. Spencer scoffs, “What happened to Jamie being charming?”  
“He’s still charming. I’m sure he’s using it on the tall blonde I saw him checking out.”  
Spencer notices you shaking and he unties the flannel around your waist and helps you put it on. “It’s getting chilly.”  
“Why don’t we go back to your place and pop in some Star Trek?” You suggest.   
“Wouldn’t you rather be inside?”   
You link Spencer’s arm in yours and start walking in the direction of his apartment.   
“I’m where I want to be. Plus these shoes are killing me.” You joke.   
You walk arm in arm to Spencer’s apartment. You steal one of his shirts and slip into comfort on his old sofa. You fall asleep on Spencer as he explains the technological advances of the episode, comforted by the sound of his voice.


	7. Seven

It’s your 21st birthday when Spencer tells you he’s joining the FBI.   
You feel stupid, standing in your apartment wearing a birthday crown.   
“You’re leaving? When?”   
“They want me to start the academy as soon as possible. I’m one of their youngest recruits. It’s really interesting actually…”   
“Spence, isn’t that dangerous?” You know you should be supportive but your fear for his safety overcomes that instinct. There’s still a mild shock that he tells you he’s leaving you on your birthday. In your head, you had the next few years planned out. After graduation, you were going to do some traveling and drag Spencer along and afterward graduate school until you figured out what to do next. You always imagined your post-undergrad life with Spencer by your side. What were you going to do without him?

“Well, they have me in mind for a specific unit. They think I could profile serial killers, I met with the Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner. He thinks I can bring something to their team once I go through the academy.”   
“Serial killers? Spencer that’s crazy.” You know he’s going to be mad at you for it. You’re mad at yourself. But you’re scared and you don’t know what else to say.   
“I thought you’d be proud of me Y/N. You know I’ve always wanted to use my mind to save people and this is it.”   
“How long?”   
“What?”   
“How long have they been recruiting you?” Spencer looks down at the carpet.   
“They first contacted me when I started Caltech, they’ve been keeping in touch ever since.” You feel like you were punched in the stomach. In ten years, Spencer never told you. You thought he told you everything.   
“Why did you never mention it?”  
“I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure.” You’re angry now.   
“You met with a unit chief Spencer that sounds pretty sure to me”  
You sit down on the couch, your friends are supposed to arrive any minute to take you barhopping.   
“Y/N, it’s your birthday. You made sure my 21st birthday was amazing. Be mad at me tomorrow. Anyway, if you hate me you won’t get your gift.” You exhale. Spencer reaches into his bag and pulls out your gift. He hands it to you and you unwrap it. Spender sits down next to you and watches as you analyze the gift. It’s a leather-bound book with a sunflower on the cover. You flip to the first page and you realize it’s a photo album.   
“Spencer, you made me an album.” You fingers trace gently over the photos. Majority of the photos are of you and Spencer growing up. There’s even a few with your mom. A few tears fall from your face. Spencer has further personalized it by adorning the margins with his doodles and little comments.   
“Y/N you’re crying.”   
You throw your arms around Spencer and hug him hard. Spencer returns your embrace, rubbing your back. You’ve loved him your whole life it seems. With your face buried in his neck you mutter, “I’m really going to miss you when you’re out saving the world. Just promise me you’ll be safe. ”   
You let go of him reluctantly. You hold out your pinky just as you did when you were children. Spencer links his pinky in yours.   
“I promise. Let’s see if I even make it through the academy, the rumor is that they make you do 50 pull-ups and I can’t even do one.”  
“If all else fails just bite someone. It worked out well for me.” Spencer laughs and replies, “I think it worked out incredibly for the both of us.” There’s something about the way Spencer looks at you that makes your heart race. You feel something more than just the ache of knowing how much you’re going to miss him, how worried you already are for him. The world seems to stop when Spencer licks his lips. There’s this silence you feel where the world seems empty. Nothing but you and Spencer in the whole universe.   
There’s a pounding on your door and you hear laughing on the other side that brings you out of the trance. Your other friends have arrived. Neither of you moves off the couch, something holding you there.   
Spencer leans forward only slightly, and you follow.   
“Y/N! What are you doing in there?” your friend Emily shouts on the other side of the door.   
You stand up abruptly, “I should go let them in before they break out the door.” You can’t look at Spencer when you open the door your group of screaming friends burst in.   
You spend the rest of the night dancing and drinking with your friends, you and Spencer seemingly determined to act as if nothing has changed.


	8. Eight

You’re 29 years old when Spencer calls you out of the blue. He usually calls you on Sundays.   
Luckily, your boss is out on his lunch break so you answer.   
“Is my word of the day calendar wrong or am I lucky enough to talk to you twice in one week?” You answer the voice.   
Spencer lets out a laugh, “What’s your word of the day?”  
You glance at the calendar on your desk.   
“Afflatus”   
“Good word, it’s a divine imparting of knowledge.”   
“Or power” You correct. “So to what do I owe the pleasure? Shouldn’t you be in the middle of nowhere Wyoming hunting down the depraved?”   
“So I actually have some time off for a couple of weeks, I was thinking you could come for a visit. You still haven’t seen DC.”   
“I could conveniently catch a serious cold to give myself a four day weekend.” Typically you’re a workaholic but you haven’t seen Spencer since he joined the esteemed BAU. He’s always traveling for work and the limited free time he’s had he’s gone to visit his mom. A question pops into your head. “Why the sudden free time? I’m sure your mom would love a visit from you.”  
“I uh sort had a field injury and you know my mom, she worries.”   
Your heart stops for a moment, Spencer’s life is his work. He wouldn’t take some time off for just anything. He didn’t take time off after he was kidnapped or struggled with his addiction.   
“Spencer, what happened?”   
A pause.   
“I was shot.”   
“What?” You shout. Three of your coworkers turn around to stare but you ignore them.   
“I’m fine. I’m fine. I was just shot in the knee and I had surgery and I’m okay. I just had some time off and I miss you.”  
“Let me call my boss. I’ll call you when I land.”   
Within two hours, you have told your boss you had an extreme family emergency and needed some time off. You booked a plane ticket, packed a bag, and you’re on a plane to DC.   
You call Spencer when you land just before you hop into a taxi that will be taking you to his apartment.   
You lug your suitcase up the stairs until you find Spencer’s apartment. You knock on the door, anxiously waiting for Spencer to open it. In your head, you’re imagining various versions of Spencer each more mangled than the previous. Obviously, it can’t be too bad if he’s home and will soon be going back to work.  
You hear strange thumping on the other of the door that seems to get closer and closer until the door opens.   
You instantly break out in a smile when you see his face. “You grew out your hair!” You exclaim. You frown when you realize Spencer is using crutches and he has an intimidating looking brace on his knee.   
“I should get shot more often to see that smile.” Spencer moves out of the doorway so you can walk in.   
“Bite your tongue, that’s not even a little funny.” You wrap your arms around his middle, trying not to knock him off balance. He returns your hug one armed so he can continue using his crutches.   
You and Spencer spend an hour on his couch catching up.   
“How’s the team?” You have never met anyone from the BAU but you know from your conversations with Spencer, he loves every member of his team. He’s even godfather to their communication liaisons’ son.   
“Everyone’s good, they’re out in California right now.” There’s a picture of his team on his wall, everyone standing together and smiling.   
“Spencer, how is everyone on your team good looking?” Spencer chokes on the drink he was having.   
“What?”   
“Your whole team is hot. You’re all sexy crime fighters, it’s kind of ridiculous” you comment.   
Spencer scoffs, “I don’t know what to do with you sometimes.” He then grins at you. Spencer then gets really quiet before asking, “Are you seeing anyone?”.   
You and Spencer have never really spoken about your relationships. The few men you’ve dated never end up serious enough to meet Spencer and he gets all flustered if you ask him about women.   
“There was this one guy for a while but it didn’t work out. How about you?”   
Spencer replies, “I’m sorry about that and no, definitely not seeing anyone.”   
“How about I make us some popcorn, we watch a movie, and then you give me a list of things to help you do while I’m here?” You ask Spencer.   
“I agree with the first two but I didn’t invite you here to do things for me. I wanted to spend time with you.”   
You stand up and go to the kitchen to start making the popcorn. Spencer has always been extremely organized and has organized his kitchen the same way as long as you’ve known him.   
“Okay but then I’ll just clean up things my way then. You know without any order or structure…”   
“You win.”   
After you’ve prepared the popcorn, you pour it in a large bowl and plop down on the couch. Spencer flicks through channels until he finds Back to the Future just starting. Spencer lifts his arm and you lean into him. You both munch on popcorn and enjoy Marty McFly’s adventure.   
For the next week, you help Spencer organize his apartment in a way that ensures he’ll have easy access to everything and have a lot of space to move around. You mostly watch movies and read books together much like you did when you both lived in Boston. You take the opportunity to cook for Spencer since everything you found in his apartment is either microwavable or a form of pasta. It’s easily one of the best weeks you’ve had in years. You both stay up late laughing, talking, and playing chess. On your final night, Spencer is in more pain than usual so he excuses himself to lay down in his room. After a while, you gently knock at the door. “Come in” you hear.   
You see him lying there clearly in pain. “How are you feeling?”   
“I’ve been better” You walk over to the bed, take a pillow, and gently elevate his braced leg.   
You lay down next to Spencer, “Are you sure you don’t want anything for the pain?”   
“I can take it”   
“Do you need me to stay longer? I can try to change my flight” You offer.   
“No way, you’ll lose your job.”   
“Aside from you being all broken, I’m really happy you called. Just please don’t get shot again because I’ll have to move here and I’ll have to stay here until I find a place and leave crumbs on your couch…”  
“You know in my line of work that’s always going to be a possibility. Statistically, the odds of getting injured in the field are about -”   
You interrupt him. “Please don’t tell me, it’ll only make me worry about you more than I already do.”  
Normally, you love listening to Spencer ramble about statistics. You tend you relay anything you learn in relevant conversation just to throw people off.   
You both shift in Spencer’s bed closer to one another.   
“Did you just admit you worry about me?” Spencer teases.   
“Don’t get used to it.” You stick your tongue out at Spencer.   
“Thank you for being here.”   
“I’m always going to be here”   
Spencer holds out his pinky, “Promise?” You link your pinky in his. “I promise”  
You both lay there whispering to each other until you both fall asleep.   
After saying goodbye to Spencer, you’re determined not to cry until you’re on the plane. You forget how much Spencer feels like home.   
You had a good cry on the plane and now walking through the airport, you’re hit with the feeling to turn around on hop on a plane back to DC.   
“Y/N?” You hear from behind you. You turn around to see a familiar face.   
“Jamie?”


	9. Nine

You’re 32 years old and you’ve been dating Jamie for three years. After you ran into him at the airport, you realized you both now lived in the same city. It started off as meeting for coffee and evolved to overnights in his apartment. Eventually, Jamie became your boyfriend, your first long-term boyfriend. Life with Jamie was fun and comfortable. He worked a lot so he wasn’t clingy and he wasn’t the kind of man who always asking where you were or who you were out with. Spencer initially hated the idea of you dating Jamie which resulted in the two of you not speaking for a month but eventually that all blew over.   
Sundays were still your days to talk to Spencer but in the last few months, something had changed. All your conversations were rushed now and he avoided the questions you asked about his personal life. You knew he was deflecting everything to continue to talk about yours and Jamie’s lives but you weren’t sure how to approach it. Your conversations became more and more brief, insisting he needed to go. Spencer wasn’t acting like Spencer. After Spencer hung up on you abruptly again, you sat on your kitchen floor eating ice cream, contemplating whether or not to pay Spencer another visit.   
You’re halfway through a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream when Jamie comes into your apartment using the key you gave him a year prior.   
Jamie stops in his tracks when he sees you on the kitchen floor.   
“What happened?” he asks concerned.   
“Nothing.”   
Jamie gives you a pointed look. “You’ve been off for months.”   
Jamie’s not wrong. Your issues with Spencer have been preoccupying you. In passing he’s mentioned cases that have been haunting him, then he had a terrible bout of migraines, and then he just stopped telling you about his life altogether. What could be going on that he can’t tell you? Last time he was this secretive, it was the Dilaudid.   
You stand up, placing the ice cream by the sink.   
“Spencer has just been weird lately that’s all.”  
Jamie rolls his eyes. “Weird? That’s it?”   
“He’s being secretive.”   
“Maybe he’s finally getting laid and doesn’t want to tell you about it.” Jamie gibes.   
“Spencer isn’t like that. He’d tell me if he was seeing someone. I didn’t keep him in the dark about you-”  
Jamie laughs bitterly, “Yeah and he was so happy about that wasn’t he?”   
“Jamie…” Spencer has always been a sore subject with Jamie when you started dating Jamie thought Spencer had been more than just your friend.   
“I’m tired of this Y/N. You obviously care more about Spencer than you do this relationship.”   
Taken aback you respond, “That’s not true. Of course, I care about our relationship!”.   
“Not as much as your relationship with Spencer. You’re at your happiest when you talk to him and if there’s something wrong with him it turns your life upside down. You’re happier on the fucking phone than you are with me.”  
You flinch at his words. “I’m not having an affair with Spencer! I haven’t even seen him in over three years.”   
“Spencer must be really something else for you to be so roped in.” Jamie’s statement infuriates you.   
“He’s my fucking best friend Jamie. Since I was six years old. I don’t know what you expect.”   
Jamie slams his hand down on the kitchen counter. “Haven’t you ever heard that your boyfriend should also be your best friend? This isn’t working anymore Y/N. I don’t know if it ever did. Do you even love me?”   
Tears start forming in your eyes. You don’t know what to say. Being with Jamie is comfortable, you liked that he memorized your pizza order, and didn’t complain when you wanted to watch scary movies. But did you love him? You were grateful that Jamie wasn’t a lovey-dovey sort of guy, you were monogamous sure but you both weren’t the type to gush about love. At least you thought Jamie wasn’t like that.   
You don’t say anything. Jamie shakes his head, “I really wish you loved me as much as you tell yourself that you don’t love him. I just hope you tell him how you feel before it’s too late because if you don’t you’re going to end up alone.”  
“It’s not like that Jamie” You’re crying hard now. Jamie gives you a pained look.  
“Y/N, it has always been like that.” Jamie walks over to you and kisses your forehead.   
“Goodbye” And just like that Jamie walks out the door, leaving you in your kitchen crying with ice cream melting on the counter. He’s insane, thinking you’re in love with Spencer. It’s Spencer for fuck’s sake. You’ve known him your whole life, you think that if there wasn’t something romantic between you two it would’ve happened. I mean sure when you were growing up you had a small crush on him but that had faded away a long time ago. Didn’t it?  
You grab your ice cream and sink down onto the floor. You really wish you could call Spencer right now.


	10. Ten

2 months later you get a phone call from an unfamiliar number.   
“Hello?” You answer hesitantly.   
“Hi is this Y/N L/N?” A woman asks.   
“Yes?”   
“Hi, I’m Penelope Garcia. I work with Spencer Reid.” Spencer has told you about Garcia on numerous occasions. Your heart instantly plummets. No one has ever called from his job before. You automatically think the worst is coming.   
“What happened? Is Spence okay?” your voice quivers.   
“Reid is alive, he was shot in the shoulder but physically he’s okay.” Her voice is breaking. “Reid’s girlfriend was murdered in front of him. He hasn’t left his apartment in days and he won’t see any of us. We’re all just worried about him and I thought if any person could help it would be you.”   
The news hits you like a ton of bricks. Spencer had a girlfriend he didn’t tell you about and even worse she’s dead. Murdered. It’s so horrible you’re not even sure how to process it all.   
“I didn’t even know he was seeing anyone.”   
“He was keeping it from all of us doll. Just tell me you’ll go see him. We really miss our boy wonder.”  
“I’ll fly out as soon as I can. Thanks for calling me.” Luckily it’s a Thursday so you can swing taking a long weekend with your boss. You throw some things in a bag and book a flight to DC. Your brain is whirling with thoughts. That’s why Spencer had been so distant and secretive. He had a girlfriend and didn’t tell you. You secretly hate that Jamie had been right. Your chest aches knowing Spencer must be in unimaginable pain. You think of what you could say the whole flight and on the cab ride to his apartment. What could you possibly say to make him feel better?  
When you climb up the stairs, you notice several gift baskets sitting outside Spencer’s door. You carefully make your way around them, trying not to knock into them. You take a deep breath and knock on the door. Nothing.   
You wait a few moments and knock again. Still nothing. “Spence, it’s me. Please open up.” You can hear shuffling on the other side of the door. “Spence, please. I’m really worried about you.”   
After Spencer not answering for 20 minutes, you sit right outside his door with your back against the door. “Just so you know, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here when you’re ready to open the door.”   
For the next few hours, you periodically knock pestering Spencer. Luckily, you packed a book so you sit there reading as neighbors give you strange looks. Once it gets too late you knock on the door a final time, “I’ll be back tomorrow bright and early Spence” and leave to check into a nearby hotel.   
You return the next morning, still emotionally drained but determined to get Spencer to open the door. Again you knock and knock, still hearing shuffling on the other side.   
You sit on the floor again, reading a book you purchased on the way over assuming Spencer would still not let you in. Hours go by again with you knocking on the door.   
Eventually, you get hungry and you’ve noticed nuts in one of the baskets. You think back to a time where Spencer taught you that some nuts have magnesium which triggers hormones to help combat depression.   
You break open a pack and begin to snack on them. “Spencer, you have a lot of baskets waiting for you. There are nuts in a couple of them. Which I’ve begun to snack on. Yummy. Magnesium.” You lean back defeated that he still hasn’t opened the door and accidentally hit your head.   
“OW!”.   
You hear shuffling on the other side of the door again and heat the click of the lock. You rise up fast, your phone and the book on your lap handing hard on the floor. Spencer opens the door and your heart sinks when you see him. He’s a mess. Dirty clothes and he hasn’t showered or shaved, pain is written all over his face.   
“Did you hurt yourself?” Spencer asks.   
“God, who cares about me? Spencer, I’m so sorry.” Your eyes tearing up, you wrap your arms around him and squeeze him tight. Spencer pulls away first. “Who called you? Garcia?”   
“Yes, she called me. But don’t be mad at her. She’s worried.” You gesture to all the baskets on the floor clearly they’re all worried. Spencer steps aside for you to walk in, you pick up your phone and book from the floor. Spencer doesn’t wait for you as he throws himself back on his couch. You bring in the baskets for him.   
You join Spencer on the couch, “Spence, talk to me” you plead.   
“I can’t”   
“Okay, then I’m going to talk. I’m going to teach you about Twilight, remember when you asked me about those books? Bella Swan is the female protagonist and the story begins when she moves to Forks, Washington…”   
You recount the plot of all four Twilight books to Spencer in an effort to distract him. You’re not a fan of the book series but you did read them during their hype.   
“And that’s the Twilight Saga.” You finish. Spencer looks at you for the first time since you both sat down.   
“Her name was Maeve, she was a geneticist I had started speaking to when I was unable to find an explanation for my migraines…” And with that tells you the story of how he fell in love with Maeve Donovan. Spencer recounts that she was being stalked and how until her death they had never met in person. How he never got to touch her. How much he loved her.   
You heart breaks for Spencer with every word, his voice breaks when he says her name.   
You realize this whole time, you’ve been gripping the bag of nuts the entire time. You hold it out to Spencer after you two have been sitting in silence. “Would you like some magnesium?” Spencer cracks the tiniest smile. A small start. He takes the package and begins to eat.   
You look around the apartment and realize it’s a mess. Books are scattered all over the floor and papers are strewn about. His phone rings, the caller ID says it’s Morgan but Spencer just let the call go to voicemail.   
You watch Spencer carefully as he eats, the dark circles under his eyes make it clear he hasn’t slept in days.   
“Spence do you want to take a nap?”   
He puts down the bag of nuts, “I see her when I dream.”   
You shift on the couch and pat your thighs. “Just lay down then and close your eyes, we’ll just talk.”  
Spencer sighs loudly and lays his head on your lap. You begin to play with his hair, softly massaging his head. You begin to tell him about your life, how your brother and his wife are, and even talk about the lives of your coworkers. Anything to take up space and distract him. Spencer’s hair feels soft through your fingers, you wonder how all the brilliance of his mind is just right under your hands.   
“You haven’t mentioned Jamie at all,” Spencer notes, his eyes still closed. Even deep in grief, you can’t hide anything from Spencer.   
“We broke up” you confess. Spencer's eyes open wide. “What?”  
“Jamie broke up with me two months ago. I’m okay, I’m over it.”  
“What happened? Why didn’t you say anything?” Spencer asks you.   
“Jamie thought I wasn’t in love with him, he got tired of waiting for that to change. We hadn’t really been talking about anything of substance in the last few months... I figured I’d just tell you when you asked.”  
Spencer frowns, you think he might feel a little guilty for keeping secrets from you. A silence builds between you two. You’re still running your fingers through Spencer’s hair. You hope the feeling is as comforting to him as it is to you.   
“Was he right?”   
“Hmm?”   
“Were you in love with him? I thought you were…”   
“I thought I was too. I guess we were both wrong. Would it be terrible if I said I don’t even feel any different? I don’t even want to call him. Jamie didn’t deserve to waste so much time with me.” It’s true. You do feel guilty about your relationship with Jamie and how it ended. Not even a week after your breakup you were fine. You returned everything he left in your apartment and he gave everything back to you. You hugged him and felt no longing. You were consumed with what he said about Spencer. Clearly, you weren’t the kind of person to love someone and the last person you would ever want to hurt is Spencer. Bringing up what Jamie told you would just make Spencer feel worse than he already does.  
“Even if you didn’t love him, Jamie was lucky.”   
“Lucky?”   
“Anyone who gets to see you all the time is lucky.” You stop moving your hands through his hair.   
“I don’t think Jamie feels that way.” Spencer phone rings again and he lets it go to voicemail. When Spencer goes to the bathroom, you listen to it. They need his help for a case. You suspect it’s just an attempt to get him back to his old self.   
When Spencer returns you hand him his phone, “They need to ask you something for a case.”   
You busy yourself in the kitchen while Spencer is on the phone, he answers the questions and hangs up the call briefly. It’s a start.   
You watch as Spencer begins to work. He goes through his things pulling out maps and books. It’s amazing to watch Spencer work, not knowing where is mind is but knowing full well that more is going on than you could ever imagine. You read quietly, not wanting to interrupt his thought process. He calls someone back relaying more information. He even makes a comment about enjoying the magnesium. You eventually fall asleep as Spencer works into the night.   
Spencer wakes you up the next morning. You had fallen asleep on the couch.   
“I have to go to San Francisco. I figured out something for the case.”   
“Are you ready to go back to work?” You asked, concerned. Your mind is still foggy from sleep.   
“No, but I need to do this. I already made you a spare key, I know you fly out this afternoon but if you want to stay you can. Don’t clean up this apartment or I’ll be upset with you.” You can’t believe you’re already being separated after only having a day together.   
Spencer hugs you tight and you hold him. He then kisses the top of your head. “I don’t know what I would do without you,” Spencer confesses.  
“I don’t think there would even be me without you, Spencer.” You mutter into his chest.   
Spencer pulls away from you.   
“Spence?” You ask as he is about to walk out the door.   
“Yeah?” You hold out your pinky. “No more keeping big life stuff from each other. Promise?”   
Spencer links his pinky in yours. “I promise.”  
You watch as he leaves, promising you he would call as soon as he was back in DC.   
As you get ready to fly back home, you have a thought. You find the nearest flower shop and purchase a bouquet of pink carnations. You leave them arranged in a vase for Spencer.   
You leave DC thinking that perhaps Jamie was more insightful than you ever gave him credit for. Not that you would ever truly admit to yourself or anyone else.


	11. Eleven

At 36 years old you were starting to hate the sound of Penelope Garcia’s voice. A few months ago she calls you to tell you Spencer has been arrested. She then calls you again to tell you Spencer refuses to see you, he won’t let you visit him at the prison. Garcia promises they’re doing everything they possibly can to clear Spencer’s name and get him out of prison. Another phone call when he’s stabbed himself to be put in solitary because he’s going to be killed. You feel like your world is ending. Details of how all this came to start trickles down to you. His mother’s Alzheimers, the secret trips to Mexico, the experimental treatments. Secret after secret and lie after lie. Every conversation you’ve had with Spencer for the last year he’s been lying to you.   
You spend months sick with worry. You try to keep it together at work and with your friends but when you’re alone the fear eats at you. You want more than anything to see Spencer, you can’t imagine how this experience will change him. You’re terrified that you’re going to lose him forever. You get a text from Garcia telling you Spencer has been released but there’s still work to be done. Monsters that need to be defeated.   
More weeks pass as Spencer gets his mother settled and tries to figure how to be himself again. At least that’s what Garcia tells you. Spencer still hasn’t called you and hasn’t returned any of your calls or texts.   
You’re not sure what comes over you when you hop in your car and drive to DC. Obviously, Spencer doesn’t want to see you but you don’t care. Before you’ve even considered visiting Spencer when your feelings are running rampant isn’t the best idea, you’re already knocking at his door. Your heart is racing, you have no idea what you’re going to say.  
You don’t know what to expect when Spencer opens the door but you feel your heart sink. Whenever you saw Spencer he smiled but now searching in his eyes you don’t see that warmth. He’s not happy to see you.   
“Y/N what are you doing here?” he asks. He doesn’t embrace you, doesn’t move to let you in.   
“I just wanted to see for myself that you were okay. I guess you’re fine so I should leave.” You turn to run down the hall but Spencer grabs your hand. “Come in.”   
Reluctantly you follow Spencer inside his apartment. It looks very different from the last time you visited. Everything has been reorganized but the apartment is neat and tidy. Spencer has added a desk to his living room and it’s covered in case files. You wonder if he’s already back at the BAU.   
You pull out your phone and call Spencer’s number, the phone rings loudly.   
“So your phone is working then.”   
Spencer gives you a pained look. “I just didn’t know what to say.” This infuriates you. You know Spencer has been through so much, he’s clearly in so much pain and traumatized but all you can see how much you’ve been hurting.   
“How about, “Hey my mom isn’t doing well or I’m going to Mexico to try to help her, or you let me see you in prison?” You snap.   
Spencer sits on his couch, his head in his hands. “You promised Spence. No more secrets, we’d share all the big life stuff. I would have helped you with your mom, I would have moved here or even go to Texas or Mexico or anywhere else in the fucking world to help you.”  
Spencer mutters, “I couldn’t ask you or anyone else to do that for me.”   
“I’m not just anyone. Did you think that after 30 years of loving you I would just decide that I wouldn’t do anything in the world for you? How could you think that I’d want you to go through this alone?”   
“Did you ever think that I love you too much to put that on you? Or maybe I didn’t want you to see me in prison? I didn’t want to risk you looking at me differently forever?”   
In your whole lives, you’ve only told each you loved each other a handful of times. It’s easily been more than a decade since either of you have said it.   
“So your solution was to ignore me indefinitely?"   
Spencer sighs loudly, "I thought that if I waited long enough I'd be someone you'd recognize."   
Even when you're furious with Spencer he can say something that makes you want to hold him until he feels better.   
"I know you’re in a lot of pain and I would do anything to take it from you but right now all I can think about is how I’ve been going out of mind for months. You wouldn’t talk to me or let me see you? Why wasn’t I good enough to make the cut?”   
“Y/N it wasn’t like that -”   
“I know you let your team see you, Garcia even filled me in on a chart before she realized that you didn’t want me there.” You struggle to get the sentence out as you begin to cry. Everything you’ve been holding in the last few months is beginning to pour out of you.   
“Y/N please….”  
“I would’ve taken care of you”   
“It’s a burden.”   
“Not to me. Not if it’s you.” You meet his eyes. Those beautiful brown eyes that you’ve been looking at forever.   
“I need time,” Spencer says heavily. You know coming here was a mistake. You cry as you make your way to the front door, deciding to share one more thing with Spencer. “I didn’t tell you the whole truth about why Jamie broke up with me.”   
Spencer gives you a confused look. Of all the things in the universe he can figure out within seconds, he can’t seem to connect why you would be bringing this up years later.   
“Jamie said I couldn’t love him because I had always been in love with you. It took me a long time to see that he was right even if I didn’t want him to be.”   
“Y/N what are you saying?” Spencer whispers.   
With your hand on the doorknob, you share your final comment. “See Spence? I can keep secrets too.”   
With those words, you slam the door and make your way down the stairs as fast as possible. You sit in your car for a few moments waiting to see if he’s going to chase you. He doesn’t. On your long drive back home you promise yourself that you won’t spend another minute of your life waiting for Spencer Reid.


	12. Twelve

Two years later you found yourself walking down a crowded street in the middle of autumn. One month earlier you had been transferred permanently to DC, something that two years ago would have thrilled you but now just seemed like a cruel joke from the universe. Aside from the adjustment of starting a new position and moving to a new city, you found that you actually loved living in DC. Well, technically Virginia but still you consider yourself a DC resident.   
Of course, there was something missing in your new life. You still hadn’t spoken to Spencer since you fled his apartment two years ago. For the first few weeks, you half-expected Spencer to show up at your door. Then you waited for a phone call or a letter, hell even a smoke signal. Still, you heard nothing from Spencer.   
You felt guilty for attacking him for ignoring you, angry that he wasn’t trying to fix this rift between you, heartbroken because you told him you loved him and he had nothing to say. Numerous times you thought about calling him or showing up at his door again. Then his face crosses your mind, that sad expression when he opened the door to you. You never thought Spencer would look at you that way. You shake the thoughts from your mind the best you can as you pop into a coffee shop with a craving for hot chocolate.   
Happily drinking your purchase, you walk down the street enjoying the bitter chill in the air. Autumn has always been your favorite season. You’re making your way back to your new apartment when you notice a pair of familiar faces walking towards you. Now you had never met Penelope Garcia in person but you know what she looks like and next to her is who you recognize as Emily Prentiss. You direct your gaze to the ground hoping they won’t notice you.   
“Y/N?” Fuck. You were noticed. It’s clear from their expressions, Garcia and Emily are confused to see you.   
“Um hi. We’ve never formally met.” You say extending your hand for a handshake. You curse yourself for clearly being awkward.   
Excitedly, Garcia shakes your hand while Emily is a bit more apprehensive.  
“What are you doing here? Are you visiting?” Garcia asks you.   
You could lie but you are aware of Garcia’s tech prowess and she can find out in seconds that you moved.   
“I actually was promoted and transferred to the area. I moved here a few weeks ago.”  
Their eyes grow wide. Emily takes charge of the situation, “That’s great to hear. Congratulations!”   
You smile awkwardly. You take a sip of your drink when Garcia asks, “Does Reid know you’re here?”  
You choke on your drink. You shake your head no. “You really should go see him, I know he’s dying to talk -” Penelope starts before Emily interrupts, “Pen it is none of our business. I’m sure Y/N is busy right?”   
You nod. “Yeah, I really should get going.” Garcia embraces you. “Well, I for one am very happy to finally see you in person. You’re even more beautiful in person.” Garcia lets go of you and Emily waves goodbye. They leave you standing there in the cold, unsure of how to process the entire interaction.   
While you sit at home, you can’t stop thinking about Spencer. You decide to order some pizza and turn on your favorite game show Jeopardy. You hated watching it with Spencer because he always knew all the answers. You take a quick shower and change into PJs. You’re still getting accustomed to your apartment, unsure how you feel about the extra space. At least you have more room to buy more bookshelves.  
One book, in particular, has your eye tonight. You reach for the photo album Spencer gave you for your 21st birthday. You reminisce about the life you used to have, wishing you could call your mom and ask her what to do. How do you get over someone you have loved your entire life? How do you get back what you once had? You wonder if too much time had passed to make things right. You place the book down on your coffee table and decide to focus on the show. Finally, there is a loud knock on your door.   
You open up, ready to claim your pizza. Instead, you find the lanky frame of Spencer Reid in your doorway.   
Your breath hitches and the only thing you can say is, “You’re not my pizza.” You’re still trying to pick your jaw off the floor when Spencer asks if he can come in. You move aside to let him and then shut the door.   
The first thing you note is that he cut his hair shorter again, it looks good. He looks better than the last time you saw him.   
“Hi,” you say, breaking the silence.  
“How have you been?” Spencer asks. What a small question to encompass all the time that has gone by without a word to another.   
“Rewind. How did you find out where I live?” Suddenly you realize how. You scoff, “Penelope. Of course.”   
“Actually, it was Emily. Then I begged Garcia to give me your address. I thought you deserved more than a phone call.”  
He’s right. You deserve an explanation.   
“What are you doing here?” you ask. Spencer takes a deep breath. “I wanted to see you. I needed to see you.”  
You cross your arms across your chest. “You’ve had over two years to see me. Why now?”   
“Two years ago I couldn’t be who you needed me to be.” You look at him confused.   
“Y/N after the prison I was terrified I had lost myself. I thought that I crossed a line and I wouldn’t be who I was anymore. What I learned I was capable of, it changes a person. I couldn’t risk hurting you.”   
“But you did hurt me.”  
“I know.” Spencer gives you a pained look, unsure of what to say next. His eyes glaze over to the album on your coffee table, he walks over and picks it up.   
“I thought you would’ve thrown this out after everything,” Spencer tells you as he flips through the pages.   
You take the album from his hands and clutch it close to your chest, “I could never do that. I shouldn’t have shown up at your apartment that day, you needed space and I was too focused on my own feelings to do that.”  
“I never should’ve pushed you away.” You look into each other’s eyes. “I’m sorry about everything.” You apologize.   
“You don’t deserve what I’ve put you through. I am so sorry Y/N.”   
You want to wrap your arms around him, tell him you’ve forgiven him for everything.   
Spencer reaches into his messenger bag and pulls out a stack of paper. You realize they’re letters. It’s hundreds of letters.   
“Spence, what is this?”   
“I wasn’t ready to see you or talk to you so I started writing instead. I’ve written one every single day since you left.”   
“Every day?” You try to calculate how many letters are in the stack. “There’s gotta be -”   
“I wrote 766 letters” Spencer interrupts.   
“I can’t believe you would do that” is all you can bring yourself to say. Your eyes meet his and your heart is racing. He never stopped thinking about you all that time. You know there wasn’t a day where Spencer didn’t cross your mind. There’s a silence that hangs in the air between you two. The same feeling you felt on your 21st birthday where you wanted to kiss Spencer but you chickened out.   
Spencer gulps noticeably. You take a step towards each other.   
That’s when it happens.   
That’s when his phone rings. “You should answer it.” You tell him. You know that it could be a case.   
Spencer picks up the phone, “This is Reid.” You put down the photo album as he talks to someone urgently. By the sound of it, Spencer has a case. You eye the stack of letters in his hand. They’re tied together with rubber bands that look almost stretched to their breaking point.   
Spencer hangs up the call. “I have a case. Would you be angry if I went?” Spencer asks you nervously.   
You shake your head no.   
Spencer hands you a stack of letters, “I’d like you to read them. Afterward, if you want nothing to do with me, I’ll understand. But I thought you deserved to know all of it.”   
You wonder what could possibly be in the letters.   
“I should get going,” Spencer says. You realize you haven’t said anything in a couple of minutes.   
“I don’t know how long it’ll take to read all of these”   
“I’ll wait for however long it takes.”   
You walk Spencer to your front door, he leans down and kisses your cheek. You feel your entire body flush. “Stay safe,” you tell him. Spencer leaves your apartment without another word, leaving you with the heavy stack in your hands. Before you sit down when you hear another knock. You throw the door open, “Spencer?”   
A teenager looking confused stares at you, “I have a delivery for Y/N.”   
Great. Now is when the pizza shows up.


	13. Thirteen

It takes you an entire week to get through the stack. As you comb through each letter you’re either crying, laughing, or angry. Sometimes it’s a combination of the three. Spencer confesses that he regretted not following you out of his apartment that day. Your confession stopped him cold. His entire career in studying human behavior and it never crossed his mind that you were in love with him.   
Some letters recount old cases that stayed with him, the unsubs he felt for and the victims that lingered in his mind. He tells you about how his mother is forgetting him and terrifying possibility that one day he will forget too. Others talk about futures he imagined for himself. Other careers he could have chosen, women he might have loved, or if he had stayed with you in Boston.   
You read about what he went through while he was in prison, what got him there, what he did to survive and all the pain afterward. You shatter when you read that it broke him to watch to leave and he hated himself for not stopping you. Spencer has spent his whole life being left by those he loved. The loss of his father, Gideon, Emily, Blake, Morgan, and Hotch have left him believing everyone will abandon him. You hate the day you proved him right. You read about what’s he gone through the last two years, how he teaches part-time now or how the BAU was almost lost entirely. You read that he hated Jamie for wanting you, at first like a conquest which angered Spencer. Then you met Jamie again and he loved you, he fell for Maeve later.   
You read that Spencer had noticed you months before you talked to him for the first time. That he noticed that you were the first to jump off the swing, going higher than even the older kids. He instantly loved you as soon as you bit Robbie Banks. Even if he didn’t understand it, Spencer had loved you ever since. Until your confession, he never thought you loved him back. He still didn’t know for sure if you loved him or if you still loved him. Some letters are angry, ranting that if you loved him that you would’ve called by now while others say he thinks you’re both too scared to move so you’re both standing still.   
Some of the letters are a few sentences while others go on for pages. They’re pieces torn out of notebooks, some with tears or coffee stains. It’s clear he wrote down whatever he was thinking or feeling at the moment.  
You’re left reeling after reading all the letters. You have to see Spencer. He picks up on the first ring.  
Before he even says hello you ask, “Are you back? Can I come over?”   
“Yes I’m back and yes please come over.”   
“Okay, be there soon.” You hang up the phone and change into your favorite dress. Within minutes you’re changed and on your way to Spencer’s apartment the whole time your heart racing. You don’t know what you’re going to say. You don’t know what you’re going to do. You just know you don’t want to spend another minute not knowing.   
Soon, you’re at his door, knocking feverishly.   
When he sees you a large smile breaks out across his face.   
You throw your arms around his neck and you kiss him with everything you have. Spencer kisses you deeply, his hand caressing your face then moving down your body before he lifts you off the ground. You break apart breathless.   
“I take it the letters didn’t make you hate me more,” Spencer tells you once he’s put you down.   
“I could never hate you, Spence, infuriate me occasionally but I’ve never hated you.” You say smiling.   
You both sit down on the couch, feeling a mountain of things unsaid between you. Spencer takes your hand in his and you lace your fingers together, his large hands fit right in yours as if they’ve always belonged there. Spencer’s eyes meet yours as he says, “I’m in love with you Y/N.” You kiss him again, softer this time. His lips move with yours and you wonder how you’ve gone this whole time without kissing him.   
“I love you, Spencer Reid.”  
Spencer kisses you first now and you’re both making out like teenagers. Slowly you lay down on the couch and Spencer is top of you. Your hands move to unbutton his shirt and his hand is sliding up your thigh, sending lightning through you.   
Soon you both are so entranced in each other you don’t realize you’re rolling off the couch until you hid the ground with a large thud. You both break out in laughter. You both sit up, Spencer’s hair is wild and his shirt is gone. Your dress has become fairly unzipped with Spencer’s hands moving up and down your back. You stand up and offer Spencer your hand. He takes it and stands with you. You watch as his chest rises and falls.   
You start placing kisses on his neck and chest which sends a blush all throughout his body. As you make your way down his body Spencer places his hands on your shoulders, stopping you.   
“Y/N I don’t want you to feel pressured to move faster than you want to.” You kick off your shoes and stand up on your tiptoes to kiss Spencer again. You then move to finish unzipping your dress, Spencer’s eyes grow wide as it slowly falls off your body. Now you’re in nothing but your underwear.   
“I have wanted you for a very long time,” you say softly. Spencer smiles and bends down to kiss you once more. You never stop kissing as you make your way to his bedroom. You land on his bed and he calls you beautiful while he’s placing soft kisses all over your body.   
You never want to live another day with Spencer Reid not kissing you.


	14. Fourteen

You’re eight weeks older and sitting in Spencer’s apartment. In the last two months, you’ve only gone home when you have needed clothes or other creature comforts. Almost anything of value or importance has already ended up in Spencer’s apartment. You sleep there even when he’s out on cases. You and Spencer have fallen together seamlessly. You’re cuddling on the couch after eating a homemade dinner. You’re watching The Princess Bride, silently mouthing all the dialogue because it’s one of your favorite movies.   
“You never get tired of watching this movie?” Spencer asks you. His arm his around and you’re playing with his hand absentmindedly, pressing your fingertips against his.   
“Never. It has everything. It’s romantic and witty. Great action scenes! The most iconic way of saying ‘I love you’. It’s an amazing film.”  
Spencer chuckles, “I didn’t realize ‘As you wish’ was iconic.” You shift against Spencer moving closer to him. “As you wish” he whispers to you. It sends shivers down your spine.   
“I love you too,” you say back to him. Even though it has been two months, you’re still filled with warmth every time you tell Spencer you love him.   
A strange look crosses over Spencer’s face. “What are you thinking about?” You ask him.   
“Do you want to move in with me?”   
“Yes,” You say without thinking. You clasp your hand over your mouth, shocked that you answered without hesitation. You’re already always in his apartment, your own apartment has basically been used for storage for the last two months.   
“Really?” Spencer replies, smiling wide. He leans down kissing you, you smile against his kiss unable to hide how excited you are.


	15. Fifteen

You’ve been living in Spencer’s apartment for three months. You’re in domestic bliss complete with arguing over dirty dishes (his), lost socks (yours), and how you like to poke Spencer with your cold feet. Even though you miss him when he’s away on cases, you love living together. Spencer makes you feel happy and safe plus there’s the great sex so you really couldn’t be happier.   
To celebrate your time together you and Spencer decide it’s time to visit Las Vegas to see his mother and pay a visit to your own mother as well. Those first few days were emotional. Diana had trouble recognizing you both, thinking you and Spencer were visiting from college. She was happy you two were together, commenting on how long it took. “A mother always knows” she stated blissfully. Afterward, you went to the cemetery to visit your mom. Spencer watched quietly as you teared up, crying into his shoulder as you did so many years earlier.   
You spend the rest of your trip visiting places you used to go to as children. One evening Spencer takes you to the park where you met. “Spence, they took out the dinosaurs!” you remark as you look at the changes. The chess tables are still there and so are the swings. You run there dragging Spencer behind you. You plop down on the swing and start swinging. Spencer sits down next to you and begins to do the same. As you swing higher and higher you say, “I think I was sitting right here when I saw you and that little jerk picking on you.”   
“Imagine how different our lives could have been if you hadn’t walked over,” Spencer suggests.   
You think on it for a moment before saying, “I still would’ve met you. Maybe not right then but one day it would have happened. The universe ensures this kind of thing.”  
Spencer laughs, “The universe?”.   
“Yes, the universe. What we have? It’s kismet.” You decide firmly.   
“Fate isn’t logical.”   
“Neither is love at first sight” You tease, referencing one of his letters.   
“Actually, there was a study where 60% of people reported experiencing love at first sight. The majority being men.”   
“Of course you would know the numbers on that.” you laugh. This is one of the million things you love about Spencer. The way he craves to learn about everything, just to further understand the world. You think it’s beautiful.   
You push your legs as hard as you can, trying to get as high as possible. “Are you going to jump?” Spencer asks you with a hint of concern in his voice.   
“Yep and you’re going to jump with me.” You extend your arm out and grab the chain of Spencer’s swing. You both jerk for a few moments before your movements sync up.   
Spencer laughs nervously, “I’ve never done this before.” You laugh, feeling the wind in your hair. You return your hand to your own chain, putting more force into your swing.   
“Spence on the count of three.”   
“One”  
“Two”  
“Three” You count down together.   
You both push off the swing, flying towards the sand. While you both land on your feet, it is brief as you and Spencer crash into each other rolling on top of one another. You’re both lost in a fit of laughter. “We might be too old for that,” Spencer tells laying in the sand. You climb on top of him, kissing his lips softly.   
“You make me believe in fate Y/N.” Spencer sits up and you shift off of him. You’re both sitting in the sand now. “You really know how to sweet-talk a girl don’t ya?” You tease.   
“I’m being serious.” Spencer takes your hands in his. “I have always loved you. I’m always going to love you. For the rest of my life and then whatever comes after that.” Your eyes well up. Spencer lets go of one of your hands and reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a small velvet box. You clamp your hand over your mouth in disbelief, your heart is racing. Spencer opens the box and reveals a gorgeous diamond engagement ring. It’s everything you’ve ever imagined and more. “Y/N would you make the happiest man in the universe and marry me?” Spencer asks you softly.   
You launch yourself at Spencer. “Yes!” you squeal. You knock Spencer down, throwing your arms around his neck. You kiss his lips hard, trying to contain your giddy laughter. You get off of Spencer, smiling ear to ear, he slides the diamond ring on your finger.   
“I love you,” you say.   
Spencer takes you by the hand and you get into the rental car, driving back to your hotel. In the car, you ask, “How long ago did you buy the ring?”   
“155 days ago.”   
Trying to do the math in your head, “Wait isn’t that 5 months ago?” That’s when you and Spencer started dating.   
“I bought it the morning after you came over.” He looks at you mischievously, recalling the first time you slept together. “I told you I went out to get us breakfast and sunflowers for you, but I also made an additional pitstop. Very lucky for me that you like sleeping in.”  
“And you found the perfect ring so fast?” You ask in disbelief.   
“As you said before, kismet”   
You look at Spencer this man you have loved for so long. You know all of him and he knows all of you.   
“Spencer, do you want to get married?” You ask.  
He looks at you confused. “I do believe that’s why we got engaged a little while ago.”   
“No, I mean tonight or tomorrow morning. I don’t want to wait. I’m ready now.”  
Spencer laughs in disbelief. “You want us to get married tonight?”   
“Or tomorrow!”   
As you’re driving down the boulevard you see the bright flashing lights of a 24-hour wedding chapel. Spencer notices the sign, “Ask me again”   
“Dr. Spencer Reid, would you marry me tonight?”   
“As you wish” Spencer replies.   
You laugh with excitement, knowing very soon you will be Mrs. Spencer Reid.


	16. Sixteen

At first, everyone gave you hell for eloping. You and Spencer compromised by letting Rossi through a reception complete with formal wear, drinks, and dancing. The last two months have been filled with marital bliss. Being married to Spencer is even better than you had imagined. You never thought you would be so in love. The only downside is that Spencer had been gone for over a week now and work has been insane for the last month.   
You’ve been so busy you hadn’t realized that your period was over a month late. Nearly shaking with excitement you run to the drug store and purchase three different brands of pregnancy tests. When you’re back home you call Spencer.   
He answers immediately, “Hello wife.”   
You try to act like everything is normal, “Hello my husband. I miss you.”   
“I miss you too.”  
“Any idea when you’re coming home?” you ask. You don’t know how long you can wait to take the tests but you know Spencer would want to be there with you.   
“I’m on the jet so I’ll be home in a couple of hours.”   
Grinning you reply, “Okay, I’ll be waiting.”   
“You sound devious. What do you have planned?” Spencer says in a lower voice. Clearly, he doesn’t want his teammates to hear him.   
“Just get home and we can have dinner. I’m thinking risotto.”   
“Sounds delicious. I love you.”  
“I love you. So much. I’ll see you soon.” You hang up and get to preparing dinner. You have so much nervous energy, you even clean up the apartment. Dinner is nearly ready when Spencer walks through the door. Before he even puts his go-bag down, you’re already kissing him.   
“You really missed me this week,” Spencer notes smiling. “Dinner smells great.” He looks around the apartment, “And you cleaned? Wait, did you something bad happen?” Spencer says only half-joking.   
“I always miss and I just felt like doing something nice for you.” You stick out your tongue at him. While waiting for Spencer to return you’ve been hydrating and now your bladder is ready to burst. You make sure to turn off the stove to avoid burning dinner before you show Spencer the tests.   
You reach into the plastic drug store bag, “So I realized something this afternoon…” You pull out the pregnancy test box. Spencer’s eyes grow wide. “I wanted to wait for you to get home before I took it.”   
Spencer erupts in excitement. “Go! Go! Take the test!” You rush into your bathroom and you can hear Spencer on the other side of the door making a ruckus. You shake off the test, flush, and wash your hands leaving the test on the edge of the sink. You set the timer on your phone and open the door. Spencer is tearing apart your bedroom.   
“What are you doing?”   
“I’m looking for the pregnancy book I read when JJ was pregnant with Henry.”   
“Spencer, you know those lists of what you can and can’t do change every year right? Henry is nearly 12.” You point out.   
“Right. You’re so smart, one of the reasons I love you.” Spencer walks over to you. “We didn’t plan for this so soon.” You say as you hug Spencer. You know you both wanted kids, Spencer, even more so than you.   
“I know but the last year of our lives hasn’t been very planned out. You come to my apartment and throw yourself at me.” You nudge him hard. “Ow. Then we just decide to move in together, then I propose and we elope that same evening. Our spontaneity has worked out quite well for us.” Spencer concludes. Your timer goes off and you rush to pick up the test. Together you and Spencer turn it over. There it is clear as day: Pregnant.   
“Oh my God, we’re going to have a baby” you squeal. Spencer leans down and kisses you passionately. You feel his smile against your mouth. “We’re having a baby,” Spencer repeats. Spencer places his forehead against yours, “You make me so happy.” he whispers. “I love you.”   
After the news settles after a few moments Spencer’s mind is kicked into hyperdrive. “We need to make a doctor’s appointment for you right away, we need to find you an OBGYN. Maybe JJ has a recommendation? Or I can call Savannah, she does work at a hospital. We should adjust our diets accordingly and I’ll talk to Emily to take some time off so I can be with you when the baby is born.”   
“Spencer, love, you need to breathe.”   
You take his hand and lead him to the kitchen table. You begin to set up dinner, preparing plates for you and Spencer.   
As you set down his plate in front of him, Spencer grabs your hand. “Y/N how would you feel about buying a house? Somewhere with a backyard?”   
You can see it in your head, a house somewhere in the suburbs with a tree in the front yard. You imagine Spencer chasing around your little girl in the backyard, a backyard filled with toys and a jungle gym.   
“That sounds beautiful.”   
You spend the rest of evening imagining what the rest of your life is going to look like as you fall asleep in the arms of your loving husband.


	17. Seventeen

It’s a hot summer day a few years later when you’re swinging on the back-porch swing. Shortly after your first trimester, Morgan was able to find the perfect house for your growing family. A home that was not too far from his own. Your backyard is filled with the loud laughter of your family.   
Your daughter and her little brother are chasing around their father as they try to get him to run through a sprinkler.   
Parenthood has changed your lives, making them restless and even more filled with love than you could have ever imagined. Spencer is a wonderful father, he’s a natural and the kids adore him. He’s often teaching them about the world, showing them magic tricks, and science experiments. It becomes apparent early on that your children have inherited their father’s intellect.   
You watch as your children tackle Spencer to the ground, they’re all erupting in laughter. You think to yourself how lucky you are. How grateful you are for all those little moments you grew to love Spencer and all those big moments that brought you two together.   
“Spence come here!” You call out, missing the touch of your husband. The kids hop off him and continue to chase each other around the yard.   
“As you wish” Spencer replies as he walks over to you. He sits down next to you and wraps his arms around you.   
You look at all you and Spencer have built together and you know in your heart you’d do it all again.


End file.
